the random jaunts to insanity are always the best

so on the spur of the moment i decided to go see the dodgers play the giants. i talked to fancy pants and he said he was in. so i bought two tickets for the left field bleachers, where we could heckle Barry Bonds. here's a rundown of how it went:

each ticket $8.00 plus ticketmaster charge.
parking $15.00
1 dodger dog, nachos, and a lemonade(the only size they sell is large) $15.50
sitting in a stadium with 43,000 people chanting steeeeerrrrooooooiiiidddssss... priceless!


I mean c'mon, what's more fun than sitting in the bleachers and jeering Barry. the people in left field are pretty creative to. there were such gems as:

shoot um up Barry, shoot um up (clap clap). repeat until he shakes his ass in contempt. then increse volume

baaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllccooooooooooooo. repeat until he shakes his head

Barry sucks, barry sucks, barry sucks, etc, etc. this works best just after you have stopped booing and while he is still walking out to left field.

sstteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiddddsssssss. repeat until whole stadium shakes

throw it back, throw it back. this is used after any giant hits a home run, especially Barry

and of course you can always just boo lustily, while holding your left arm up in the air and using your right arm to pretend to inject steroids.

all in all, it was a really good time. i rocked the "dopers suck" t-shirt and wristband. both of them elicited many great looks and comments, from dodgers fans and giants fans. The only bummer of the night was, the dodgers lost, and the guy the dodgers beaned was not Barry. still, for a random decision, it was a great way to spend an evening.

no, it was a weather balloon, really, it was

so here we are again. Floyd Landis, author of the single greatest cycling feat i have ever had the privilege to witness, is being railroaded again (allegedly). I have no illusions about his innocence or guilt. i fully realize that the sport i love is tainted. it has a history of performance enhancing drugs. i mean hell, in the old days they used amphetamines to get a little edge on the competition. it wasn't until some poor dude's heart exploded on a climb, that they did something about that. no i have no illusions, these men compete in an insanely hard event, and the stakes are high. only the top riders make the big contracts, and sponsors want immediate results. i understand and accept this with no reservations. the part i don't understand is this:
Floyd Landis has repeatedly questioned the ethics and standards of the french lab testing his samples. his first sample that tested positive checked in at five different checkpoints on the way to the lab with four different tracking numbers (allegedly).
Once your A samples are cleared your B samples aren't supposed to be tested. If they are , the results cannot replace a negative result on an A sample, even if they do come back positive.
The US ADA was allowed to test his old B samples anyway.
Floyd asked that the samples be tested in a different lab, once again citing alleged improper practices of the aforementioned french lab.
The samples were tested at the same French lab regardless. the lab promised to give Landis' expert and an attorney complete access to the testing procedures.
Floyd's experts were allegedly denied entrance to the facilities on different occasions while the US ADA representative received unfettered access.
now the results have come back poitive.(after the A samples tested negative) at least that is what was leaked from the lab or the US ADA (allegedly) to the french newspaper l'equipe. the whole thing just stinks. it's like Floyd is standing on his soap box screaming "the aliens have landed in roswell, the aliens have landed in roswell!" and the US ADA and that french lab are saying back "no sir that was a weather balloon, no spaceships here in roswell, just an old weather balloon." either way the louder they shout the less anyone believes them. i mean, i don't believe aliens landed in roswell, but i don't think it was a weather balloon either.
so lets all raise a glass and toast the french lab and the US ADA, they made sure that even if they don't win, those who love the sport of cycling will lose!

because i said so

oh happy day! the infallible, untouchable, all knowing, catholic church has finally reached a decision about the existence of limbo. the judgement that they hold is that limbo does not exist. now i can rest easy at night. the catholic church has finally answered the burning question that has for so long been chained to my soul. it was like an emotional anchor, dragging me into depression, but now there is only the sunlight and happiness. thank you, oh thank you catholic church, for letting me know that you don't know what happens to the souls of babies when they die. but you know for a fact that they do not end up in limbo. i find it particularly appropriate that you saw fit to educate me on April twentieth. yep you are savvy clergy to recognize a holiday of this nature and give us another reason to celebrate. in closing, thank you, for showing the world how smart you really are, on this our most hallowed of holidays.

happy 420 to whom so ever might chance upon this tidbit of sarcasm and disrespect.

and boy are my arms tired.

this sparkling little gem comes to you courtesy of the little kenny.

1. go to google.

2. click google maps.

3. click get directions.

4. enter: New York, New York as starting address

5. enter: Paris, France as destination

6. click get directions

7. scroll down and read line 23

8. if you laugh, re-post this little piece of fluff.

i do realize that this is a radical departure from my usual frustrated rants. but i promise, i wont be happy for long. soon something will upset me, or anger me, and the screaming chinaman will be back in action.

Don Imus and Duke lacrosse, what a pair

Now I know that this is probably a pretty touchy subject to a lot of people. Mr Imus's remarks were indeed callous and thoughtless, but i am sick of hearing people saying he should lose his job. Every day there seems to be some new representative of some human rights group on the television screaming that he should be fired. lets look at it realistically, the man has a comedy show. He is paid to walk the line every day, because lets face it, most humor is at someone else's expense. While he agrees that he crossed the line,he claims it was not said to be hurtful, it was said within the confines of his show as humor. He knows he missed the mark and has apologized profusely. He has been suspended, and not protested one bit, Yet the media frenzy continues. they are like sharks with blood in the water, they circle and hunt relentlessly. They trot out every African American activist they can find to vilify Mr Imus. Day after day i have seen this, and it has brought me to this conclusion. Political correctness has gotten way out of hand. By way of example I would like to bring up another such situation, the Duke lacrosse rape scandal. That situation started out much the same way, at least from the standpoint of media coverage. there was the reverend Al Sharpton preaching about racism and the over privileged white America. These kids were arrested, their Lacrosse program was shut down (effecting other players as well), they were publicly declared guilty before the evidence was in, they were ostracized by their school and by their peers, and forever will have the spectre of that case looming over them. Now here we are thirteen months later and all three are exonerated of all charges. Where now is Al Sharpton, where is the NAACP? I want to see these guys on my television apologizing as loud as they condemned. If Don Imus should be fired, then shouldn't Al Sharpton as well? he unfairly characterized three white youths as criminals and racists, is that not as bad if not worse than what Imus did? At least Imus didn't cost the women he insulted their athletic and scholastic careers, they didn't end up jailed and marked for the rest of their lives. Furthermore, if you are going to fire public personalities for political correctness, then shouldn't most rappers lose their record contracts for their hateful lyrics? Or perhaps political correctness only counts if it gives someone else a little notoriety? I guess no one I have seen on my television in the last three days has ever made a mistake. they probably also have never mis-spoken, and they definitely never offended anyone. They must be shining beacons of humanity, perfect in every aspect. I am so sick of this crap! People are stupid and thoughtless, sometimes they say things that aggravate each other, and sometimes it is an accident. save all the venom for the people who deserve it. this guy isn't burning crosses on peoples lawns. matter of fact he doesn't start his suspension until the end of the week so that he can finish his charity drive to benefit S.I.D.S. research. You want to fix this culture? then look in the mirror and start there first you self righteous F$%*S. That is all.

wooden who?

Well kids it's that time of year again. yes that's right, the ncaa basketball tourney is over and only one team is truly satisfied. Unfortunately for yours truly, it is not the team i like. All things considered i was pretty philosophical about the whole thing. (no drinking binges, or cursing screaming tirades) i avoided the week long disconsolate attitude that normally colors my life after a crushing defeat in the tournament. somehow i even bypassed the unbridled rage that comes from seeing Joachim Noah, and his band of classless cohorts, overly celebrating their victory over UCLA. This particular state of mind was a whole new thing for me, and it was a little disconcerting i don't mind saying. where is all this going you might ask? well i wished to establish my current state of mind before i saw the atrocities that forced me to act.
Right smack dab in the middle of my new found (and mostly ignorant) bliss, i was harshly forced back to reality. I was informed that Mr. Noah and his cronies (hereafter referred to as those disrespectful punk kids, or DPK), wore t-shirts before the ucla game that said "Wooden Who". Those little bastards, who do they think they are? Coach Wooden is universally loved. He is respected not only for his coaching prowess, but for his amazing moral fiber. The man had more success coaching, than any coach, of any sport, on any level, but feels that his greatest accomplishments came teaching english. He never talked to his teams about winning or losing. He always told his teams that, if you are satisfied that you give your best effort for yourself and for your teammates then you are a success. He really meant it too. He will never name his favorite players, because he loved them all so much, but the men he lists as his greatest successes are not the men you would expect. They are not the Kareems or the Waltons, they are the players that came to his program troubled, or with attitude problems, and went on to be successful in life. players that never went to the NBA, but became better well rounded men.
Having attended many UCLA basketball games, I have seen first hand the respect, and reverence that everyone gives coach. Understand that when i say everyone, i mean everyone. I have watched opposing teams line up during warm ups, just for a chance to shake the mans hand. Teams that hated UCLA, teams that would fight tooth and nail during the game, all of them hold that man in high regard. No matter how fierce the rivalry between schools, coach was above it. Not because of his coaching records, but because of the man he is. Which brings us back to those disrespectful punk kids, for them to wear those shirts shows an incredible lack of respect, above and beyond the accepted norm. I mean really, we tolerate it when Noah pounds his chest after a routine play. We don't react when he screams and curses for a foul being called against him, no matter how flagrant the violation. We show incredible restraint by not kicking over the table he stands upon, while rubbing his victory in our faces by taunting our fans and blowing kisses at our cheerleaders. We have come to terms with the fact that this generation of athletes are mostly spoiled, self centered, disrespectful, egomaniacs, but these kids top them all.
At first i thought about turning the other cheek. I even wrote a post similar to this. In that post i finished with the sentiment that i wished Mr Noah success in life, but some of us measure success differently. that is, i am sure, what coach thinks when he sees Noahs' childish antics. After further mulling it over, i realized that i am not that good a person. I wish for you and your cohorts MR Noah, that for every time you indulge yourself by engaging in such juvenile antics, you are blessed with pain and misfortune. It is my most fervent hope that you have misery heaped on you in such great amounts that you are forced to look long and hard at yourself you ignorant f#&*. Until the day that you grow up, here's hoping you suffer, you disrespectful punk kid!